I Love You, But Leave Me Alone - by Sierra Floody (McCrimmon Award Honorable Mention)
Henri Nouwen once said, “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing…not healing, not curing…that is a friend who cares” (Nouwen 33). In all actuality it may seem that a suffering friend needs someone to comfort them, but it may just be best to refrain for their sake. Although older television shows typically portray widows and widowers as people who get over their grief fairly quickly with help from their friends, more recent television shows convey the way real-life people in their first year of grieving tend to shrink away from smothering, overprotective friends. Many widows today are more likely to open up to a support group of common grievers, rather than their friends, and this may in fact lead to a quicker recovery.
According to a study by Robert Digiulio, many television sitcoms since the 1960s have misleadingly depicted widows and widowers as wealthy and young, so much so that out of about two hundred family-oriented television shows, 20% of the leading women roles were widows and 27% of the leading male roles were widowers. However, these percentages did not reflect the real amount of widowed individuals in the U.S. at the time of this study in 1989, with widows at 6% of the population of women in the U.S. and widowers at only 1% of American men (Digiulio 3). Since 1989, the population of widows in the U.S. has increased to 44% and widowers to 14% (Roberts 56). Television sitcoms have not only been misrepresenting the amount of widows in the American population, but also the lives of widows and widowers themselves.
An example of this is ABC’s popular television comedy Full House, in which a wealthy, suburban, widower father of three, portrayed by Bob Saget, enlists the help of his brother-in-law to help care for the kids (DiGiulio 5). This sitcom is one of many television trivializations of widowhood that serves to only misrepresent and make light of the everyday sufferings of the average American widower. It actually may have been more realistic if Bob Saget had portrayed a divorcee rather than a widower because they barely (if ever) mention the deceased wife – which does not reflect well upon the real widowers that may tend to think about their spouses nearly everyday. Fortunately, not all television series inaccurately depict widowhood.
One television series that represented widowhood accurately was NBC’s The Golden Girls, in which the actress Betty White, a widow in real life, portrays the widowed Rose. Throughout the seven seasons, Rose dates other men after losing her husband, Charlie, to a heart attack and often worries that Charlie is jealous of her new boyfriends. In the episode “Where’s Charlie?” Rose actually believes Charlie is speaking to her from the grave. Also, in the episode “Rose the Prude,” Rose is afraid to sleep with her new boyfriend because she feels like she might be cheating on her late husband. These are all situations that can often occur with real-life widows as they try to move on with their lives.
Over the past couple of decades, views of widowhood in television have grown from the previous depictions in comedic sitcoms to truly heart-breaking moments slipped into more dramatic sitcoms. For some reason or another, many of the directors of the shows depicting widows or widowers chose to start off their stories after all of the spouses had already passed. For many of these shows, we came in after the main characters had already gone through the first year or two of grieving, so it is almost as if we could not empathize with them as much because we did not get to see the development of the spousal relationship, nor how affected they were by their loss in the first years of grief.
An example of a more recent television sitcom, in which the audience witnesses the development of a relationship that ends up failing because the boyfriend passes away, is the popular drama Grey’s Anatomy. The young doctor, Izzie Stevens, had fallen in love and accepted a marriage proposal from her patient, Denny Duquette. After his death, Izzie, as many new widows do, entered into a state of complete shock and denial.
“An hour ago he was proposing. And now he…and now he’s going to the morgue. Isn’t that ridiculous? Isn’t that the most ridiculous piece of crap you’ve ever heard?” laughed Izzie, her voice was choked with tears as she broke out of her trance and started to cry hysterically. By the time the lyrics of Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” came on in the background, she was crying so hard she couldn’t breathe (“Losing My Religion”).
Naturally, in the show Grey’s Anatomy, Izzie’s friends’ initial reaction was to comfort and hold her as she cried. At first, this was what Izzie wanted, but as the imminent feeling of loneliness crept up on her as she accepted that Denny was gone, she began to push her friends away and resorted to laying on her bathroom floor and not changing her clothes for days. When her friends took turns lying with her, trying to get her to get up, she lashed out because she wasn’t ready to start her new life as a widow.
“Maybe you should change your clothes. Maybe you’d want to wear something more comfortable,” suggested George, softly.
“Stop it,” said Izzie forcefully, staring at the floor.
“I know. Izzie…” began George, consolingly.
“Stop it, I mean it. Stop talking. There is nothing to talk about. Do you understand me? There is nothing to discuss,” responded Izzie, unwavering, her eyes burning a hole into the surrounding white tile.
“I’m so sorry,” whispered George, sadly.
“Yeah, me too,” said Izzie, finally looking up at George with a lost look in her eyes (“Time Has Come Today”).
This scene emphasizes the mixed feelings that a grieving person can sometimes experience. Izzie shows both that she wants to be left alone, and, near the end of this scene, she also expresses that she appreciates that her friends are trying to help her. Their proximity seemed to have a significant effect on Izzie, as she did open up when she made eye contact with another person and had her hand held consolingly. However, the fact that she was lashing out at her friends because they didn’t seem to want to respect her space should not be overlooked.
“There's all this pressure cause everyone’s hovering around me, waiting for me to do something or say something or flip out or yell or cry some more. And I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it would make everyone feel more comfortable,” confessed Izzie, when yet another one of her friends showed up in her bathroom to try to console her.
How damaging must it be for a new widow to be forced out of her depression just to make her friends happy? By trying to get Izzie off of her bathroom floor, her friends seemed to be acting for themselves, without really considering if she was ready. The fact that Izzie felt she needed to “play her part,” suggests that she felt she could not act as depressed as she felt for fear of annoying her friends. This is one of many dilemmas that a new widow may have to face: how do you tell your friends to back off without making them think that they are not welcome? It can be difficult to determine how to get past this, but it all boils down to how strong the friendship is.
Friendship is a major theme in Grey’s Anatomy, so naturally her friendships were very strong and her friends tried to comfort her as best they could, but the truth of it was that Izzie could not bounce back as easily as her friends seemed to think. Her friends were constantly pushing her and trying to force her back out into society when what she really needed was some time to process. Eventually, her friends understood this and backed off to let Izzie heal alone, however they made sure to stay close, just in case. By giving her space and time, Izzie was able to heal easier and went back to work in no time. Although it would be nice if we all had friends like Izzie’s that would love and support us through the worst of times, it does not always happen. One way to deal with the difficult emotions that many new widows (in real life) go through, that they did not mention on Grey’s Anatomy, is to join a support group.
In 1980, a study was conducted to understand what kind of social groups are most successful in the recuperation of a widow. Susan and Andre Toth concluded that a widow is more likely to readjust quickly to her new life if she shares her thoughts and memories with other widows. According to the Toths, “one out of every eight women in this country [America] over the age of fourteen is a widow”(Toth 63-65), and there is something comforting about that fact to widows around the nation because they realize just how many women are experiencing exactly the same feelings as them. Even if their friends don’t understand exactly what they’re going through, widows can be comforted that there are other widows out there who do.
According to a recent study by Elizabeth A. Bankoff of the University of Chicago, there are a lot of factors that are involved in this sort of analysis: “Whether support is helpful, harmful, or inconsequential to the widows’ well-being is dependent upon where the widows are in the adjustment process, as well as the type of support given and its source” (Bankoff 827). Support groups come in many forms. Besides a sermon at the local church or constant pestering from close friends, there are also other options: from weekly gatherings of widows in church communities to online groups (for those who do not wish to leave the house), such as widow-speak.org in which one can read about other widows worldwide and one can even create a blog to share one’s own experiences.
People who lose a spouse can react in different ways. Sometimes they may choose to do something new, and other times they may resort back to times that they remember to be comforting. In the television series Grey’s Anatomy, Izzie had chosen to go for the comfort route by turning to a favorite pastime of hers: baking. Izzie baked so many muffins that she had to resort to bringing them in baskets to an acquaintance of hers, who owns a local bar, just to have enough space for all of the other muffins that were still baking. One real-life widow however, turned to journal keeping, until eventually she, Phyllis Greene, created a witty and beautifully written novel that encompassed all of her thoughts and fears of joining “that unhappy band of women that has been growing like a geriatric sorority” (Greene 6).
“We tackle our sorrow alone, but if we open ourselves with sympathy and empathy, it is a much less lonely road,”(Greene 13) wrote Greene about the hopes she had of reaching out to others in the same situation. This quote exemplifies the notion that widows eventually need comfort and people to help them reach acceptance. It also suggests that Greene believes that a connection with other widows can be beneficial. She mentioned that she remembered going to Temple after her husband’s death, even though she was not a particularly religious person, further exemplifying the need for the comfort that human interaction could bring to the bereaved. An added benefit of going to church is the anonymity of it. Instead of being embraced by smothering and overprotective friends, Greene chose to spend her first week out of the house in the back row of the local church because it was just enough human proximity to be called comfort, but not so much that it was stifling.
It must be difficult to grasp why a person is there one minute and then the next minute… But one can only reach acceptance after one has mastered the four other stages of grief, which, according to the model by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, are: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression (Straker). Although friends mean well, they may have to consider that a smothering environment may not be well suited for the newly bereaved. Widows might like to consider alternative ways to find human interaction, such as online support groups, which can ease them back into their lives without hassle, unlike the feeling of being rushed that can occur if the widow’s friends become annoyed with the widow’s depression. Even though it might be hard to be the friend that has to stand back and watch your friend suffer, you may actually be doing them a favor by giving them space and time to heal. As Bankoff observed, whether support is helpful really depends upon the individual widow and how far along in the grieving process she is. Certain support groups, like online groups, allow for anonymity, which can be good for those who are afraid to speak their mind in front of their friends—when some widows are with their friends, they may feel compelled to lie to try to convince their friends that they are doing okay, which can be debilitating.
Television, over the years, has become more and more accustomed to the idea that widowhood is not something that can be belittled so easily into a comedic sitcom. Television now seems to have accepted that widows and widowers are people that loved and lost their other half, which can be seen on shows like The Golden Girls and Grey’s Anatomy, which has certainly grown from those superficial shows that treated the lost spouses as mere afterthoughts, such as in the show Full House. These shows reflect well upon the hardships that real widows face today, and they create a sense of respect for the portrayed widows out there that deserve a little recognition for the loss that they live with everyday.
Works Cited
Nouwen, Henri. Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life. Notre Dame, IN: Ave Maria Press, 1974.
DiGiulio, Robert. Beyond Widowhood. New York: The Free Press, 1989.
Roberts, Sam. Who We are Now: The Changing Face of America in the 21st Century. New York: Times Books, 2004.
“Losing My Religion.” Grey’s Anatomy: The Complete Second Season. Writ. Shonda Rhimes. Dir. Mark Tinker. ABC. 15 May 2006. DVD. Touchstone / Disney, 2005.
Snow Patrol. “Chasing Cars.” Eyes Open. A&M, 2006.
“Time Has Come Today.” Grey’s Anatomy: The Complete Third Season. Writ. Shonda Rhimes. Dir. Daniel Minahan. ABC. 21 Sep 2006. DVD. Touchstone / Disney, 2005.
“Where’s Charlie?” The Golden Girls: The Complete Seventh Season. Writ. Gail Parent, Jim Valley. Dir. Lex Passaris. NBC. 19 Oct 1991. DVD. Buena Vista Home Entertainment, 2007.
“Rose the Prude.” The Golden Girls: The Complete First Season. Writ. Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan. Dir. Jim Drake. NBC. 28 Sep 1985. DVD. Touchstone / Disney, 2004.
Full House. ABC. 22 Sep 1987.
Toth, Andre, and Toth, Susan. "Group Work with Widows." ERIC (CSA) vol. 25(1980): p63-65.
Bankoff, Elizabeth. "Social Support and Adaptation to Widowhood." Journal of Marriage and the Family vol. 45(1983): p827.
Widow Speak. 17 Apr 2008 .
Greene, Phyllis. It Must Have Been Moonglow. New York: Villard Books, 2001.
Straker, David. "The Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle." Changingminds.org. 13 Apr 2008. Sysque. 17 Apr 2008 .
I Love You, But Leave Me Alone - Assignment
Paper 2 - Research Paper – 8-10 pages
Ideally, the research paper will be an extension of one (or more) of your abstracts from Paper #1--probably not all three. However, if you decide that you despise what you did in Paper #1, you may certainly develop a new topic. In this case, talk to me about your ideas and plan out your time.
A research paper is an extended critical analysis. You will develop a thesis and make a particular argument. The research you do will help you to support claims and enter into critical discourse. Consider your own interests and tastes and develop the paper so that you can pursue a topic that you find appealing and want to learn more about. You will need several sources in order to familiarize yourself with the scholarly work already available on your topic. This research will have the added benefit of sparking your imagination and creating new lines of attack for you to explore in your analysis.
I Love You, But Leave Me Alone - Draft 1
The Crying Shoulder: Friends Helpful or Harmful to the Grieving Process?
Henri Nouwen once said, “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing…not healing, not curing…that is a friend who cares.” Someone who’s going through that much pain cannot be cured by any number of condolences, no matter how genuinely they are meant. A person in grief can only be healed through time and a friend can only help heal by waiting. Although there are many studies that show widows to potentially become poverty stricken and antisocial, most widows are able to overcome such preconceived notions. One factor that should be brought to the attention of such psychologists as Freud and Klein, who believe that grief is a purely internal process, is social support. Friends are more likely to help widows reach the acceptance stage quicker than widows who go through it alone.
Looking through the various forms of media that have cropped up over the years, many widows are created as side-characters of the protagonist. In classic fairy tales, many of the parents are widows or widowers. A prime example is in the story of Cinderella in which the widower father remarries then passes away and leaves his new wife (the “Evil Stepmother”) with three kids to take care of. Perhaps she was so horrible to Cinderella because she was depressed and grief-stricken. Perhaps the writers created the “Evil Stepmother” character to represent what a woman might choose to do with that much pain. However, further studies of widows today have, for the most part, proven that the Evil Stepmother was just evil and that she was probably always going to treat Cinderella like a slave even if her husband had not died. It seems as if the “Evil Stepmother” really wasn’t modeled after any widow in particular and was really only meant to play the part of the antagonist, but over the years many writers have developed the widow character further and it would seem that a widow could turn any number of ways after experiencing the loss of a loved one.
An example of a more modern text is the television sitcom Grey’s Anatomy. Instead of creating a flat caricature like the “Evil Stepmother,” they created a widow in the form of a statuesque blonde doctor who had fallen in love with her patient. Izzie Stevens had been a surgical intern when she met the charming Denny Duquette, who was there for a heart transplant. There was a complication with his surgery that caused Denny to have a stroke an hour after Izzie had accepted his impromptu marriage proposal. The room was shockingly silent. Her friends surrounded her as she cradled his quiet body on the small hospital bed. Her eyes were wide and unstaring contrasting from the eyes that lay peacefully shut next to her.
“An hour ago he was proposing. And now he…and now he’s going to the morgue. Isn’t that ridiculous? Isn’t that the most ridiculous piece of crap you’ve ever heard?” laughed Izzie, her voice choked with tears, breaking out of her trance and starting to cry hysterically as the beginning of Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars began to play in the background.
By the time the lyrics of the song started she was crying so hard she couldn’t breathe. A sharp contrast from Cinderella, in which there wasn’t even a scene for the “Evil Stepmother” and her dead husband. It is easy to understand why there was not a scene like that in Cinderella though, because the writers did not want to create any sympathy for the wife – she was evil, and that was it. However, people were allowed to feel as much sympathy as they wanted for Izzie because she was a good person. Izzie, as a new widow, was expected to grieve and many people watching the show at home grieved with her. There is no mention of the “Evil Stepmother” grieving over her husband and frankly everyone reading the story hated her too much to think of how she might have been feeling.
Friendship is a major theme in Grey’s Anatomy, so naturally loved ones surrounded Izzie while she grieved. Izzie however, did not seem too keen on the fact that everyone was watching her every move. She was happy to lie alone on the bathroom floor reminiscing about when everything was normal and she didn’t have a dead fiancé. Her friends were trying to help her by taking turns lying next to her and offering comforting words
“There's all this pressure cause everyone’s hovering around me, waiting for me to do something or say something or flip out or yell or cry some more. And I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it would make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't ... I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't- I don’t know who this person is,” confessed Izzie as her friend lay next to her, trying to convince Izzie that she wasn’t alone in this by clasping her hand tightly.
This speech that Izzie did exemplifies the conundrum that many psychologists are trying to figure out: do friends help the widow or do they hurt her by trying to rush her through the grieving process? Although it seems as if Izzie doesn’t want to be bothered by her friends, they do actually help her start her new single life again by coaxing her off the floor and eventually getting her to come back to work at the hospital. Perhaps if the “Evil Stepmother” had friends like Izzie’s, she wouldn’t have lashed out at Cinderella so much.
By analyzing the depictions of widows in media, we can learn a lot about what they’re feeling and maybe even feel what they’re feeling too if the directors do a good job. Friends can certainly help out the widow if they know their boundaries – no forcing her to do anything she’s not ready for. She has to grieve at her own pace and her friends need to respect that.
I Love You, But Leave Me Alone - Draft 2
Grief: Stress Baking vs. Power-Hungry Domination
Henri Nouwen once said, “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing…not healing, not curing…that is a friend who cares.” A person in grief can only be healed through time and a friend can only help heal by waiting. Although there are many studies that show widows to potentially become poverty stricken and antisocial, most widows are able to overcome such preconceived notions. One factor that should be brought to the attention of such psychologists as Freud and Klein, who believe that grief is a purely internal process, is social support. Friends are more likely to help widows reach the acceptance stage quicker than widows who go through it alone.
Looking through the various forms of media that have cropped up over the years, many widows are created as side-characters of the protagonist. In classic fairy tales, many of the parents of the main characters are widows or widowers. A prime example is in the story of Cinderella in which the widower father remarries then passes away and leaves his new wife (the Evil Stepmother) with three kids to take care of. Perhaps she was so horrible to Cinderella because she was depressed and grief-stricken. Perhaps the writers created the Evil Stepmother character to represent what a woman with that much pain is capable of.
However, further studies of widows today have, for the most part, proven that the Evil Stepmother was just evil and that she was probably always going to treat Cinderella like a slave even if her husband had not died. It seems as if the Evil Stepmother really wasn’t modeled after any widow in particular and was really only meant to play the part of the antagonist, but over the years many writers have developed the widow character further and it would seem that a person could turn any number of ways after experiencing the loss of a loved one.
An example of a more modern text is the television sitcom Grey’s Anatomy. Instead of creating a flat caricature like the Evil Stepmother they created a widow in the form of a statuesque blonde doctor who had fallen in love with her patient. Izzie Stevens had been a surgical intern when she met the charming Denny Duquette, who was there for a heart transplant. There was a complication with his surgery that caused Denny to have a stroke an hour after Izzie had accepted his impromptu marriage proposal. The room was shockingly silent. Her friends surrounded her as she cradled his quiet body on the small hospital bed. Her eyes were wide and unstaring contrasting from the eyes that lay peacefully shut next to her.
“An hour ago he was proposing. And now he…and now he’s going to the morgue. Isn’t that ridiculous? Isn’t that the most ridiculous piece of crap you’ve ever heard?” laughed Izzie, her voice choked with tears, breaking out of her trance and starting to cry hysterically as the beginning of Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars began to play in the background.
By the time the lyrics of the song started she was crying so hard she couldn’t breathe. A sharp contrast from Cinderella, in which there wasn’t even a scene for the Evil Stepmother and her dead husband. It is easy to understand why there was not a scene like that in Cinderella though, because the writers did not want to create any sympathy for the wife – she was evil, and that was it. However, people were allowed to feel as much sympathy as they wanted for Izzie because she was a good person. Izzie, as a new widow, was expected to grieve and many people watching the show at home grieved with her. There is no mention of the Evil Stepmother grieving over her husband and frankly everyone reading the story hated her too much to think of how she might have been feeling.
Friendship is a major theme in Grey’s Anatomy, so naturally loved ones surrounded Izzie while she grieved. Izzie however, did not seem too keen on the fact that everyone was watching her every move. She was happy to lie alone on the bathroom floor reminiscing about when everything was normal and she didn’t have a dead fiancé. Her friends were trying to help her by taking turns lying next to her and offering comforting words.
“There's all this pressure cause everyone’s hovering around me, waiting for me to do something or say something or flip out or yell or cry some more. And I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it would make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't ... I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't- I don’t know who this person is,” confessed Izzie as her friend lay next to her, trying to convince Izzie that she was not alone in this by clasping Izzie’s hand tightly.
Izzie’s speech exemplifies the conundrum that many psychologists are trying to figure out: do friends help the widow or do they hurt her by trying to rush her through the grieving process? Although it seemed as if Izzie did not want to be bothered by her friends, they did actually help her start her new life as a single by coaxing her off the bathroom floor and eventually getting her to go back to work at the hospital. Perhaps if the “Evil Stepmother” had friends like Izzie’s, she wouldn’t have lashed out at Cinderella so much.
According to a recent study by Elizabeth A. Bankoff of the University of Chicago, there are a lot of factors that are involved in this sort of analysis. “Whether support is helpful, harmful, or inconsequential to the widows’ well-being is dependent upon where the widows are in the adjustment process, as well as the type of support given and its source,” wrote Bankoff in her article: “Social Support and Adaptation to Widowhood.” There is a definite difference in the amount of social support Cinderella’s unorthodox stepmother received compared to the social butterfly, Izzie Stevens.
On one hand, we have a woman who moved to a new town to marry a man she barely knew to find a father for her two young daughters. On the other hand, we have a young, accomplished surgical intern who has a close circle of friends and falls in love with an older, charming patient. Both women lose a very important person that changes everything for them. While the Evil Stepmother recuperates quite quickly by bossing around her inherited stepdaughter, Izzie needs a full day of careful words of comfort from her friends before she could even change her clothes.
People can do strange things when they are under a lot of stress. Just like the Evil Stepmother took her grief out on Cinderella by forcing her into servitude, Izzie baked about two hundred muffins. Although it may not seem like they were moving on, it was their way of taking action and keeping busy. There is no way to tell which way a widow is going to go: domination over the kitchen or the stepchildren, but there are certain ways to avoid the latter: one of those ways being social support. If the Evil Stepmother had a shoulder to cry on, then perhaps the Evil part of her name would have simply dropped away. Izzie however, with her many muffins and her comforting friends, was able to fall in love again a year later.
It is important to also examine the nature of the two media forms: a television sitcom vs. a children’s story. Obviously, Izzie couldn’t have been depressed forever or else she would have been written out of the show because viewing rates probably would have dropped. Nobody enjoys watching a sulky widow, so of course she was going to have to move on. The writers did a clever job of having Izzie first move on by going back to work, rather than having her move on to a new man – that way it wouldn’t look to insensitive and their ratings wouldn’t go down at all.
For children’s stories, one must consider that they are written for children. Since children’s stories need a hero and an enemy, it is difficult to paint these characters any other way. The hero, Cinderella, must be morally good and the enemy, the Evil Stepmother, must be malevolent. There was no need to generate a background for the Evil Stepmother because there was no need to create sympathy for an evil character in a children’s story. Children’s stories are generally short and to the point, and creating sympathy for the antagonist is unnecessary.
As with the sitcom character Izzie, many modern widows go through a state of shock and disbelief after losing a spouse. Although, television may have over-dramatized the situation by having Izzie lay shocked on her bathroom floor, they seem to have gotten the right idea. It must be difficult to grasp why a person is there one minute and then the next minute… But it is a stage. One can only reach acceptance after one has mastered all the other stages of grief, one of those being a long period of denial.
According to a study conducted by Susan and Andre Toth, “one out of every eight women in this country [America] over the age of fourteen is a widow.” According to a study by Geraldine Mineau that compares the effects of mortality on both women nd men, “women widowed at young ages (35-44) have a significantly higher risk of morality.” Grey’s Anatomy modern fairy tale? Find another media source to compare/contrast with. Talk about which gender handles widowhood better – who remarries more often? Does media portray real widows accurately – how do they differ?
I Love You, But Leave Me Alone - Draft 3
I Love You, But Leave Me Alone - Draft 4
I Love You, But Leave Me Alone - Process Memo
I was first inspired to write the essay, “I Love You, But Leave Me Alone,” when I saw the Grey’s Anatomy episode “Losing My Religion.” I could not help but be affected by how the character, Izzie Stevens, reacted to her fiancé’s death. The way Izzie constantly stared out into space as if looking for some sort of silver lining to the situation really spoke to my tear ducts. After seeing this show, I knew that I had to learn more about people in her situation. When I received the assignment to write an essay on reoccurring topics in media in my ENC1102 class, I had no doubts about what topic I would choose: widowhood.
It turned out that many other people were just as interested in this particular subject as I was because there were a lot of statistics already out there. One particular statistic I found that shocked me was one that was from a study done by Susan and Andre Toth, which stated, “One out of every eight women in this country over the age of fourteen is a widow.” Knowing that there are so many people out there, who have had to muddle through this surprisingly common tragedy, inspired me to try to share their stories. I wanted to know how a person could survive such a blow, so I researched coping methods in particular.
When I was trying to figure out the most common way that people managed their grief, I came across hundreds of support groups that ranged from weekly gatherings to online blogging. After looking through a few of the online blogs that some widows put together, I found an interesting commonality: most widows tend to reach acceptance easier when they can share their thoughts and feelings with other widows. Believe it or not, widows seem to prefer not to be smothered by non-widow friends. According to these blogger-widows, it is easier for widows to have someone to relate to when they are in bereavement.
I tried to relate these studies to a few common television shows in which characters portrayed either widows or widowers. The television shows that I thought had particular relevance were Full House, Golden Girls, and Grey’s Anatomy. While both Golden Girls and Grey’s Anatomy exhibited common widowhood tendencies, Full House did not. Instead, the widower, Danny, seemed more like a divorcee than a victim of widowhood because the deceased wife was barely, if ever, mentioned. This small issue was notable because many real-life mourners tend to think about their lost spouses at least once a day.
On reflecting upon this project, it is apparent to me that I really knew nothing about widows before I started researching them. Most of the information that I had about them was from different movies and television shows. Back then all that I really knew about them was that they were sad for a while until they got over it in time for the next potential relationship. Although not entirely inaccurate, this simple assessment was just a very broad overview of the nature of widows, which I now know to be very complex.