Bring on the Change

Look, play, toss. My routine. Sometimes even toss, retrieve, play. Then the others: work, rest, work. And the eat, sleep, poop routine. Why? Why must I be so indecisive. As if life weren't difficult enough. Why can’t I stick to one routine? I got it figured out, I think. I want change. I know--I know I want change because that’s how growth occurs. There it is, Brittany wants change. So to keep with this perception, the best of all possible routines is the look, play, toss. It promotes change, it’s simple, cut and dried, to the point. Makes life less stressful and more enjoyable. But what happens when I retrieve items that were once tossed? Not only have I disobeyed the plan I set to keep but I have underestimated the power of change.

Sick of boredom? Erase, delete, remove. That’s exactly why I look, play, toss. The origin of my routine came from some of my childhood birthdays and Christmases. This is where I applied a concept that has stuck through life. Receiving toys was the greatest enjoyment for me each year. Only once a year this happened, so this is why I looked forward to birthdays and Christmases. Unwrapping toy after toy. All the toys were special. I look them up and down and marveled at them. At first, impossible to set them down. But they got old--newer versions were the ideal. All of my toys were once ideals for me. The perfect toys that I pleaded with my family to buy for me. That included the Barbie Jeep, the Talk Girl, and the Barbie Camera. I checked these toys out in stores for a year until I actually received them. But soon, I found myself tired. Yes! I was tired of these toys. The very same toys that I had dreamed about were about to be tossed. Don’t get me wrong--these toys held their purpose for the time, but by the next Christmas I was able to see change. Only to continually repeat the look, play, toss. There’s a problem. I find new usage for these tossed toys. Some might complement my newer toys. Barbie that I received in Christmas of 1995 went well with Ken that I received in 1996. I found a newer usage for this toy.

In general why hold on to something that you’re tired of? If life permits, get rid of it. My concept/routine applies to people also. I have found myself using it often. Yes, true, very very true; it sounds very harsh. Why sugarcoat? I get rid of those who bring me down. Those who just don’t spice up my life. I like to say I “experiment” with people. I test them out. See their usage. When I am displeased with results, I toss them. Especially past boyfriends. At times I felt that a certain person was the one for me, even at a young age. Akeem Hunter, the guy of my dreams, the one I thought the world conspired to bring to me to have in my life forever. No! This was not the case. Old, useless, and dry, the relationship was dry. I was tired. I tossed. Tossed him miles out of my life. What happened? He was found, I found him, then he was back into my life again. Allowing myself to rediscover him, I found that I had problems finding new forms of change with him around. He wasn't for me, he was just in my life for a season. I released him again--and set him free for one last time. He was gone. Never did I stress, I continued with the same ol' routine. I looked; found someone I liked. I played; I got to know them, know their thoughts. Just like the toys I tossed; I tossed these people one by one. They had to go. This does not apply to everyone in my life; a select few have been known to cross the gates.

Boredom. Ease the pain. Look, play, toss. Work, boredom at work. Sometimes pain. Job after job after job. Boredom. I felt this way after certain jobs in my life. Pullman Bank--such a drag. Every day, the same thing over and over again: checking accounts, answering phones. Same line, "Pullman Bank, this is Brittany, how may I direct your call?" God! Why me? This is how I started to feel at the end of the day. But of course, I did not feel this way originally. I never do! New things are all exciting to me. First day at the bank--excited. I was really excited! It was a brand new job. After working building playgrounds for three years, I needed something different to do. The job was fun--the first week. New things get old and when they do, I like to toss them. I did not like doing the same things over and over again each day. Punch in, check accounts, answer calls, lunch at 12 p.m., file paper, clean desk, answer more calls, punch out, and off to the same schedule the next day. Every day the same. So what did I do? Like the toys and people, I started to toss jobs. One, two, three, there were three jobs that I dropped. I know what you're thinking. No commitment. Why lie? I was not committed. But I did find myself committed to other activities. Commitment I did have, when I had change. Some organizations I participated in brought change. I got to see new people, participated in activities. I loved it.

See, I get sick of routines. Maybe I will become sick of look, play, toss. It is a routine. But it does support change. As a little girl, I became fascinated with macadamia nut cookies. They melted in my mouth. Soft, chewy, fresh, they were the best! Subway was a block away from my house, would you believe I walked there every day to get some of these cookies? Subway had the best ones. Soft, chewy, fresh. Some days I brought up to six at a time. It was something I could afford, costing me $2.42 for six. This was the exact price, tax included. I was addicted! These cookies were my everything. My everything were these cookies. Soft, chewy, fresh. I could not get enough. Until one day--I did--I got enough! I brought six this day and set out to eat all six and could not do it. NO! I could not do it. The cookies I loved so much were now disgusting to me. I have not eaten a macadamia nut cookie since. This happened at the age of thirteen. The cookie, the one I thought I could not live without, got tossed. Tossed just like the toys, the people, and the jobs.

Guess what else go tossed--my name. I got sick of my name. Evette is my middle name, and I have gone by Evette for over half of my life. The beginning of high school was when I realized the name had to go. I got tired of people calling me that. Listening to the name was comparable to listening to someone running fingernails down the chalkboard for thirty minutes straight. Have mercy! I had enough. Brittany was what I told people to start calling me. Even though it was a name I had since birth, it was new. The sound, it was beautiful. It was hard having to adjust, but eventually everyone knew me as Brittany. So just like everything else, Evette went down the trash chute.

Something that wasn't small enough to fit in the garbage can was my car. My '96 Pontiac Sunfire GT, two doors, spoiler, sunroof, money green, A/C blasting, sporty car. I loved that car! Just what I wanted. I saved up for two years to purchase a car, time came and I laid eyes on that beauty. It seemed as if it was made for me. I was excited to ride off with this car. Engine looked brand new, tires were new, no unwanted sounds, no leaking. No problems. After a few months of having it, I didn't treat it the same as I did when it was brand new: I didn't get them regular oil changes, never kept the gas full, and washing and cleaning done maybe every five months. I seen myself putting more and more money into this car. Small $30 problems grew to $400 dollar problems. I got tired of this car: the look, the problems, the color, the everything! I got rid of it. I was tired of putting money into this car every other week, so I sold it. I needed some change. Maybe a brand new car, or a sports car, or a SUV, or even a pick up truck. I didn't receive none of these vehicles, so I settled for the city bus. Yes! I went from having my own ride, to catching the bus. From riding a four-seat to riding a fifty-seat. Change did occur, maybe even for the best. Now, I can think of several ways I can use my money other than putting it toward my car. The money that I received for the car, I put toward school.

College was a change for me--a major change! I came from Chicago to Florida for school. Chicago was good; I lived there all of my life. It was beautiful. It was all I knew. But I needed something new. I am not a trader, I am a adventurer. I got sick of Chicago, the smell, the people, the jobs, the cookies, the traffic, the everything! I was furious. I had to toss Chicago, had to get rid of it. I fell in love with Florida: the hot weather, sight; palm trees, beaches, sunny skies, friendly people. I wanted to be here more than ever. This is where I was going to start my new life. I never wanted to be a part of Chicago again. But now, I miss it. The smell, the people, the jobs, the traffic, the cookies, the everything! I miss it all. Florida has its flaws, and it is not as perfect as I had imagined. I want out, out I want! I figure that I never appreciate something until it is gone. So I might retrieve Chicago, revisit, relive Chicago. Just another exception to breaking my routine.

Some people do not know when to let go. Some stay in a box all of their life, afraid to experience the world. When I follow this routine, I see myself growing as a person. I see enjoyment in my life. Thinking about it, maybe look, play, toss isn't something everyone should follow. I may even become bored with this routine. It may seem very contradictory that I hate following patterns; however, I have stuck to this routine most of my life. I admit! It is a pattern. Maybe I have even misled you as a reader because I left out my everyday habits and routines that I follow. I do get up every day to brush my teeth, shower, go to school, do homework, study, and talk on the phone. I want change, but some habits are hard to change, and some I don't want to change. The thing with me, the obvious routines, I like to get rid of, but my habits are simply habits. They may stick to me forever.