Gubernatorial Battle Royale by Andrew Ginden--Professional/Final Draft
Let me start out by saying that I envision this skit being on Conan O’Brien’s show. He is the only host that can pull of the stupidity and absurdity of this skit. The segment also fits in with Conan’s typically corny and obnoxious bits. So here is my rendition of a late night comedy talk show skit.
*(VO) = Voice Over, meaning only the crowd, not the show’s participants, can hear what is being said.
Conan - Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very excited about this next part of the show. We have an exclusive that can only be seen right here, right now, on this crappy late night TV program. We present to you, live from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada, The Gubernatorial Battle Royale. In one corner, former Mr. Universe and star of such Hollywood classic’s as “Twins,” “Kindergarten Cop,” and the holiday hit, “Jingle All the Way,” newly elected Governor of California, Arrrrrrrnnooooold Schwaaaarrrrrrzeneggeeerrrrrrr (AS)! In the opposing corner, previous champion and commentator of the WWF and a wrestling icon, former Governor of Minnesota, Jesse “The Body” Ventura (JV)! Now allow me turn it over to tonight’s MC, Andrew Ginden (AG).
(Before the camera fades out of Conan in the studio and into the skit, we see Conan shake his head in a sarcastic and frustrating tone, displaying his knowledge of the lame skit)
AG (VO) - I can’t believe my career has stooped to the level of this sh*t.
AG (flashing a huge, fake TV smile) – Thank you Conan. Let me start out by saying how honored and fortunate I feel to be here tonight. Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight promises to be an unforgettable performance. I can feel the electricity in the air just by being on stage. Welcome to the Gubernatorial Battle Royale! My name is Andrew Ginden and I’ll be guiding you through tonight’s event. The format is pretty loose, giving the participants the freedom to voice their opinion at any time they see fit, but we expect both men to be courteous and respectful while the other is speaking. Now let’s move on with the show.
JV - Hey, wait, before we start I want something changed.
AG - I’m sure we can accommodate you, what is your request Jesse the Body?
JV - Can you please address me as Jesse “the mind,” not “the body?”
AG - I don’t think that will be a problem. If that is it, then…
AS (interrupting like a little kid) - Hey, that’s not fair, that’s not fair! I pre….
AG - Arnold, please do not shout out. What is your complaint?
AS - If he gets to change his name than so do I.
AG (VO) - What are we in elementary school?
AG - Ok Arnold, what would you like your new name to be?
AS - Call me, The Governator!
AG (VO) - What a moron.
AG - Very well, The Governator and The Mind. Let’s please begin. First question goes to Arnold. People are skeptic at your ability to be in control of one of the country’s largest states and to manage it successfully. What can you say to put their doubts to sleep?
AS - Please, one puny little state? People are quick to forget that I was once Mr. Universe, and the universe is much vaster and more powerful than the low energy state named California. The Governator will save the future!
AG - If that doesn’t hush your critics then I don’t know what will. You bring us to our next question, the energy crisis California is facing. How do you plan to deal with it?
AS - The problem with our country today is that we are lazy. Nobody likes to go to the gym and get buff anymore. Look at me, I’m 56 years old but I still work out everyday, and because of that I am full of energy, and I also look amazing. I plan to pump California up by implement a strict diet and workout schedule for every person in the state; white or black, male or female, rich or poor, old or young; and then we will all have plenty of energy. (He smiles and puts both thumbs up)
JV - Arnold, don’t you think before you speak? The energy crises isn’t about people being lazy, it deals with the serious threat of your state not having enough energy to sustain a worry free future. Getting people to exercise and work out will not solve the energy crisis, maybe it can help the obesity problem we face, but nothing more.
AS - My point is that if everybody can follow my specific workout regime that I used everyday while training for Mr. Universe, we can save a huge amount of energy by producing energy ourselves. Imagine the entire state being able to bench press at least 50% of their own body weight. Maybe you should try working out a little Jesse, your physique can’t even compare to my former Mr. Universe, Governating body! No wonder why you changed your name from the body to the mind.
JV - You dumb foreigner, I changed my name because I need to be smart in politics and the body was for wrestling, duh!
AG (VO) - That could quite possibly be the dumbest reasoning I have ever heard. And it came from the mouth of a former governor!
AG - Don’t go anywhere kids because you don’t want to miss the end of this. We will be right back after this short commercial break.
During the commercial…
AS - Wow, I have a horrible headache. Does anybody have any Tylenol or Advil?
AG - Here you go Arnold, catch.
AS - Thank you so much. (Arnold proceeds to attempt to open the medicine container, failing to remove it)
AG (having noticed Arnold’s troubles) - Need some help over there Arnold?
AS - The cap will not come off!
AG - Let me see that thing. (AG easily removes the cover)
AS - Wow that seemed pretty easy, I must have loosened it for you.
AG - That must have been it Arnold.
AG (VO) - The dumb ass can’t even open a child proof medicine container!
Back from commercial in 5…4…3…2…1…
AG - Welcome back everybody. Jesse, for this next question we are granting one lucky viewer in our audience the chance to personally ask you one question, and it can be anything they want to ask you.
AG (VO) - I think I’ll let the hottest girl in the crowd ask the question, they usually provide an amount of stupidity that is very amusing, and if not, then she’s still nice to look at.
AG - Hello beautiful, what is your name?
(Some hot blonde that appears to be an airhead) - My name is Cookie.
AG (VO) - And I bet you taste delicious.
AG - Jesse, are you ready for the question from this very attractive, young lady?
JV - I’m always ready baby. Bring it on!
AG (VO) - Easy there buddy, don’t get too excited.
Cookie – Ummmmm, I don’t really have anything I want to know. I mean, he used to wrestle and I like to watch wrestling.
AG - Well who better to answer a wrestling question than Jesse the Body, excuse me, the Mind, Ventura?
Cookie - Ok, hold on let me think of one.
AG (VO) - The skit’s only a few minutes long sweetheart.
Cookie - Ok, I got one. My favorite wrestler is Hulk Hogan. Who is your favorite?
AG (VO) - Thank you Cookie for not letting me down.
JV - Heck, that’s an easy one. Me.
AG - Hey, Jesse, can I ask you something that’s been eating at me?
JV - Sure, go ahead.
(This picture flashes across the screen and AG also holds up an enlarged copy).
AS (laughing uncontrollably) - Whooohahahahah! Did you always wear those pretty outfits with your wrestling buddies?
JV - You better watch what you say to me Arnold. I am a very civil person, but don’t you think for one second that I won’t kick your ass!
AG - Gentlemen, please, keep your cool. Arnold, control yourself and no more outbursts.
AG - Back to the question, Jesse I have to ask, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU WEARING AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
JV - Oh you know, just being a good sport and going along with the entertainment of the show.
AG (VO) - They must’ve been paying you good money to dress and act like that.
AG - Did Vince McMahon dress you like a transvestite on a regular basis?
AS (giggling like a school girl) - You look like a girly man.
JV - You better shut your mouth before I put my foot in it!
AS - I’d like to see you try, you and your powerful mind. AHAHAH!
JV - Bring it on you moron!
AG (V.O.) - These must be the two dumbest people to ever serve as a Governor in our country’s entire history.
AG - Hey, guys, save the fight for the pay-per-view special. That just about brings us to an end. Tune in next time when George W. Bush will be face to face with Tony Blaire. Goodnight folks, and back to you Conan.