Growing Into Life by Jessica Mansfield

Growing Into Life by Jessica Mansfield--Professional/Final Draft

We have been learning about sex the past two weeks. Well, I should say my classmates have been learning. I know everything there is too know. I’m 12 going on 20.

Somewhere along this rollercoaster ride, I jumped the track. Skipped over Barbie’s and Easy Bake Ovens and straight to insecurities and neglectful boyfriends. It’s like I was blind folded, spun around, and now my world has changed. I have changed. I stumble and I’m dizzy with confusion. I try to catch my focus, but I can’t. So, I don’t.

It’s pathetic, really. The look on everyone’s face when a penis is put up on the projection screen. Like they have never seen one before. Boys giggle uncontrollably as girls turn away, covering their eyes with embarrassment. I want to ring their little necks. It’s a dick. What’s the big fucking deal? I just stare at it tapping my pencil, angered by everyone’s immaturity.

“Class, this is a penis. Can everyone say penis?” The teacher says as if she was fucking Rainbow Bright. Everyone kind of looks at one another, giggling like stupid elves, waiting for someone to make the first syllable. At this point I’m ready to explode with anger.

“Penis!” I scream, smiling evilly at my classmates as they look at me in shock, my teacher included.

“Well, uh…yes, yes. That’s right Eva.” Says my teacher as she struggles to look me in the eye. She quickly regains her calm and collected manner as she clears her throat and prepares to speak to the class. “Now class, ‘penis’ is not a dirty word. It is perfectly okay to say. It’s the male reproductive organ. Does anyone know what the female reproductive organ is?” Uh, let me think. Is this girl for real? I mean what does she think we are, idiots? I can’t take this shit anymore. It’s a waste of my time. I reach into my Prada bag and pull out my Cosmopolitan magazine. I adjust my skirt that could be mistaken for a bandana and open to a page titled ‘Ways to drive your man crazy.’ This is what I read until the bell rings, releasing me from this pathetic pre-pubescent pit of morons.

As I walk out of the large doors of Pines Middle School I am blinded by the fading sun. I carefully take my Guess glasses out of their pink fury case and place them over my lifeless eyes. As I walk down the steps, I hear a desperate yell, and I roll my eyes as I immediately recognize the voice.

“Eva! Wait up!” Cries Daniel, desperately wanting me to turn around and acknowledge his existence. Shut the fuck up you snot faced nerd. Your breath smells like dead carcass and you make me want to vomit, I think as I quicken my pace. Daniel Lokus has had a crush on me since the third grade. I’ve turned him down to every single dance in the history of our schooling and he still doesn’t get the fucking hint.

“You dropped your pencil!” He said with a goofy ass grin. “I picked it up for you!” Aren’t you sweet as pie. You picked up a pencil that I don’t give a shit about. It wasn’t even mine, you pathetic loser. He just wanted to talk to me. Even a glance in his direction would suffice. But of course, I don’t give him this luxury. I keep my eyes
glazed forward, continuing as if I had someplace important to be. As if I really knew where I was going.

As I lean on the bike racks, waiting for my notoriously late father, I start to feel sad and then angry for feeling sorry for myself. So what if your father is late every single day and never has any time for you. Toughen up you baby, boo-fucking who, nobody gives a flying shit what you feel. Ricky does. But only when he wants sex. He is my 18 year old boyfriend. If you call a boyfriend someone who uses you for sex and then forgets that you even exist. He thinks I’m 15, and doesn’t know nor care enough about me to think otherwise.

Here he is. Fashionably late in his Mercedes Benz. Pulling in along the curb as if nothing was wrong. Looking all calm and collected and so fucking perfect. Like his life was perfect. I somberly walk to the car, even though I know that he won’t notice my sulking. Fuck him. I must have love for him. Somewhere deep in my heart. But I can’t feel it. I just can’t. I’m sick of getting that half agitated stare as he looks up from his precious work, as if talking to him was a fucking crime. I am third priority. Work, step mom, then good ole me. If even that.

“How was school today?” He mechanically asks without looking at me.

“Good.” I say with an equal amount of emotion.

“I’m going to need you to baby sit your sister tonight, Pricilla and I are going out.”

Pull over because I am going to puke. The sound of that name makes me physically ill.

Reminds me of Ursula, from The Little Mermaid. An evil bitch. I’ll admit, I’m jealous of her. I’m jealous that my father miraculously has time for her and not me. What does she have that I don’t have? Tits and ass is what. This does leave a perfect opportunity to see Ricky, that is, if he wants to see me. Moreover, if he wants sex. I actually don’t mind watching my sister. That’s not it at all. She’s six and pure. Innocent as can be with her Barbies and tea sets. A gentle, quiet soul. Reminds me of my mother. That is before cancer ate away at her slowly, leaving her a lifeless corpse. Nicole was only two when it happened. She doesn’t remember. Sometimes I wish I could forget.

We have arrived at my house. I don’t use the word “home” because that would give a warm, loving feeling. I race up to my room trying to avoid any more contact with my father. As I pass my sisters room, I hear a high pitched cackle, which I clearly distinguish as my step moms. My stomach turns. Die evil bitch, die! I quickly dart into my room and shut the door quietly. Just as I do I hear a knock. Fuck! She heard me. I open the door in disgust. She looks at me with this fake smile, cocking her head, blinking her tarantula eyelashes at me as if I’ve done something wrong. I want to dunk her face in acid and watch it melt.

“ You snuck by me without saying ‘hello’?” She says, giving a forced laugh. No shit. I hate you. If you can’t tell already. Your half my fathers age and you want his money. And you pretend to be nice to me. You have fake tits and you dress like a slut.

That’s the short list.

“ Sorry.” I say, even though I’m not.

“ Your father and I are going out tonight. Will you be okay with your sister?”

Rub it in why don’t you.

“ Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I close the door ending our conversation.

I reach into my bag and pull out my cell phone. Might as well call Rickey. I haven’t seen or talked to him in a week. Not that that is unusual or anything.

“ Hey.” I say trying not to sound excited.

“ Hey there, what’s up girl!” His voice is overly joyous. Calm the fuck down.

You can’t possibly be that excited to here from me. “ My parents are gonna be out tonight. Ya wanna come over?”

“Yeah sure shuga pie!” He is either drunk or high. Sometimes its hard to tell. It’s even harder to tell when he is sober. Because he never is.

“ Alright, well come over at eight.”

“ Okay, seeeeeyyyyyaaaa.” Click. It felt like we fucking made a business deal.

We have been “dating” for a year and that’s about as extensive as our conversations get.

I know he cheats on me. Why wouldn’t he? I don’t satisfy him the way a woman can. I’m a little girl to him. And I will always be inferior because of it. It pisses me off. I don’t want to be incompetent. I don’t want to be used. I want to look him in the eye and feel like I’m on the same plane, the same planet, in the same fucking universe! But I can’t.

And I’m too chicken shit to break it off. I need him. Just like he needs me.

What to wear? Might as well wear nothing. Save some time. I sit down at my vanity and stare at my reflection. I look like I got ran over by a bus twice. Or maybe I just feel like I did. One of the two. I don’t know how I feel right now. Just blah. Like a bowl of soggy cheerios just floating around aimlessly, waiting to disintegrate into their milky grave. Sometimes I wish I could feel something other then hopelessness or anger. I take a deep breath and sigh keeping my eyes glued to myself in the mirror. How did I get like this? There had to have been a time when I was happy. When I looked forward to each day instead of dreading it.

“ Sister! Come here!” calls Nicole, obviously ecstatic about something.

“ Coming.” I say as I break away from the mirror that seemed to be sucking me in. I walk into her room and see her sitting in the corner busy as a bee. The sun coming in from the window reflects off her golden blonde hair and gives her an angelic halo. She looks up at me with wonder and thrill. She really is beautiful.

“ Look what I made.” She says, holding up a construction paper heart. The words ‘I love you’ are written in the middle.

“ It’s for you.” She says smiling eagerly. Her eyes are so blue they almost startle me.

“ Thanks Nicky, its very nice.” I just stand there looking at this little heart covered in glitter and sequins. I give her a little smile and notice that her little nose has a dab of glitter on it. Her little fingers also twinkle and sparkle with the remnants of her creation. How nice it must be to just be happy. Not to have any worries or frustrations. To be in your own world and not care if glitter gets on your nose. She is more free then anyone I know. I give her a kiss on the cheek. She gives a little giggle and goes back to her crafting, humming a song.

It’s 8:30 and Ricky still hasn’t shown up. Big fucking surprise. I’ll know when he arrives because his stereo will knock the picture off my wall. I take a pillow from my bed and try to rip it apart in frustration. What I really want to do is rip Ricky’s head off, but
that could get messy. Why is he late? I hate him. He’s not going to show up. He probably went to some party and got smashed. He is probably staring at some girls tits as we speak. I role over helplessly and grab my phone from my night stand. Just as I do, I
hear his shit car sputtering down the road. The booming from his car stereo penetrates my brain and I cover my ears to prevent it from exploding. Finally, he has arrived!

Fashionably fucking late, but none the less.

I stand frozen, as if I forgot how to open a fucking door. I’m not really sure what to expect. Will he be happy to see me? Will he be drunk? High? Probably a combination of the two. I finally find the courage to make my arms move. I open the door slowly. There he is, looking like he just woke up from a 15 year nap. His brown hair falls
into his face with the weight of grease and gel. So attractive. He is wearing a white T-shirt with ripped, blue-jeans with a smirk on his face that makes me want to rip it off. He just stands there with a smile, like he didn’t know why he was here, but he was. I eye him up and down, waiting for some sort of explanation as to why he was late. Or why he never calls me. Or why he never wants me to hang out with him and his friends. Or why I’m never a fucking part of his life! But that would be asking way too much. He takes a step closer to me and immediately I catch the stale scent of beer, cigarettes and marijuana all mixed into one. It catches in the back of my throat, and I cough.

“ You don’t look so happy to see me.” He says with a lost grin on his face.

“ I didn’t expect to see you.” I say with a thick attitude.

“ Well, I’m sorry baby.” I’ve seen that look in his eye before. It’s his “sympathetic” look. Academy Award winning performance. He has used it one to many times. But there is also something in his eyes that I can’t quite distinguish. He seems oddly zoned in on me. His stare makes me a little uncomfortable but I just brush it off.

“It’s alright, come in.” Climbing up the stares, his jeans make an eerie sound as his legs brush together. He is quiet tonight. Often he rambles on about what stupid things he has done with his friends. As we walk into my room he lifts me up abruptly and throws me onto the bed. He starts laughing uncontrollably.

“Was that fun?” He says, oddly amused by this little act.

“ You scared the shit out of me.”

“ Why are you so uptight? Relax, baby.” He starts walking toward the bed with a possessed look in his eye. He starts to laugh and all of a sudden morphs into some sort of creature and jumps on my bed howling like a wolf.

“ Shut the fuck up! Nicole is sleeping!” He grabs my hand and kisses it romantically as if he were some old time movie actor. “ I’m so sorry. What can I ever do to repay you?” He says, unable to control his laughter. His laughter subsides for a moment as my sisters glitter creation, on my night-stand, catches his eye. He scurries over to investigate. I snatch it away from him, as if him holding it would make it vaporize into thin air.

“ My sister made it for me.” I say proudly. I looked at it, as if analyzing it for the first time. I thought about her little hands outlining ‘I love you’ in glue and then her little fingers sprinkling the glitter over the letters. I love you. She really does love me. And I love her. I feel an overwhelming feeling of warmth and happiness surge through my entire body. I’m worth something to Nicole. What am I doing fucking around with this asshole who doesn’t give a shit about me. I’ve been trying so hard to be a part of Rickey’s life that I’m forgetting that I need to be in Nicole’s. I want her to have an older sister she can look up to and want to strive to be like. I have been so blind to what is important in life. She is my baby sister, my family. I am a mother to her, the only one she has ever really had! How selfish of me to be so consumed with myself and Rickey! I take a deep breath and look at Rickey. I am about to do something I never thought I would have the courage to do.

“ Rickey, I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“ What?” His mindless giggles come to a halt.

“ You have treated me like shit ever since the first day I met you.You don’t care about me and you never will. Our relationship will never get anywhere.” Silence. His eyes narrow in on me. I wish he would say something, but he just stares at me. His eyes are bloodshot and his lids are heavy. His breathing becomes heavier and I notice an anger generating inside of him. I try to take his hand as a friendly gesture but he violently rejects me. Instead, he throws himself on top of me, grabbing my arms and pinning them down, leaving me helpless. I scream at the top of my lungs, kicking with all my might, but he is too strong.

“ You fucking bitch! Your right! You are worth nothing to me. And that’s exactly how I’m going to treat you!” his breath is thick with the smell of liquor. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as he tries to rip my clothes off my body.

“ Stop it! Please!!!!” I scream hysterically. He smacks me across the face and the sting takes my breath away. My wrists have become numb from his grasp. The weight of his body has made it difficult to breath. I can’t believe what is happening to me. How could this happen?

What seemed to be an eternity really was only five minutes. He stuck his pain and his rage inside of me and ran off. At first I can’t move because of the pain and shock. As soon as I muster up the courage and strength to get up, I go to my dresser to find another pair of pants to wear. I can’t touch the other ones. Streams of tears are being pumped out of my body as if to flush away his dirty touch. This is something you hear about on Oprah. This can’t be happening to me. I hear frantic footsteps coming up the stairs and I hide behind my bed in the fetal position, petrified that Rickey has come back.

“ Eva!!! Eva! Are you all right??” Its my dad. I never thought I would be so happy to hear his voice. He opens the door to find me sobbing crouched in a little ball on the floor.

“ Eva! Your sister called us! She heard you screaming! Is everything alright?!”

I run to him, letting out a wail of grief and happiness.

“ Daddy, I love you.” That’s all I can say as I throw my arms around him. He strokes my hair and rubs my back. Nicole comes in along with Pricilla, her face puffy from crying.

“ Did he hurt you?” Nicole’s eyes are welling up with tears. My heart breaks at that very instant as I look into her frightened eyes. I look at my Dad and he can see the answer in my face. He pulls me in and holds me tight as if he wished he could erase my pain. This is the first time we have embraced since mother died. Nicole begins
to cry huge, crocodile-tears and runs to give me a hug.

“ I’m so sorry, honey. I’m sorry for everything. It’s going to be okay, though. I love you.” He says, his voice choking up with both pain and guilt. I’ve never felt such anguish and happiness in one single moment. My Dad, sister, and I all holding each other with such passion for one another. We are a family. Whatever happens, I know they will be there for me. I see everything so wonderfully now. It took me twelve years to realize how fortunate I really am. I see myself as a caged bird, which has just been set free, overjoyed with the possibilities that await me. My life has just begun.

 

Growing Into Life by Jessica Mansfield--Draft 1

We have been learning about sex the past two weeks. Well, I should say my classmates have been learning. I know everything there is too know. I’m 12 going on 20. Somewhere along this rollercoaster ride, I jumped the track. Skipped over Barbie’s and Easy Bake Ovens and straight to insecurities and neglectful boyfriends. It’s like I was blind folded, spun around, and now my world has changed. I have changed. I stumble and I’m dizzy with confusion. I try to catch my focus, but I can’t. So, I don’t.

It’s pathetic, really. The look on everyone’s face when a penis is put up on the
projection screen. Like they have never seen one before. Boys giggle uncontrollably as
girls turn away, covering their eyes with embarrassment. I want to ring their little
necks. It’s a dick. What’s the big fucking deal? I just stare at it tapping my pencil,
angered by everyone’s immaturity.

“Class, this is a penis. Can everyone say penis?” The teacher says as if she was
fucking Rainbow Bright. Everyone kind of looks at one another, giggling like stupid
elves, waiting for someone to make the first syllable. At this point I’m ready to explode with anger.

“Penis!” I scream, smiling evilly at my classmates as they look at me in shock,
my teacher included.

“Well, uh…yes, yes. That’s right Eva.” Says my teacher as she struggles to look
me in the eye. She quickly regains her calm and collected manner as she clears her throat and prepares to speak to the class. “Now class, ‘penis’ is not a dirty word. It is perfectly okay to say. It’s the male reproductive organ. Does anyone know what the female reproductive organ is?” Uh, let me think. Is this girl for real? I mean what does she think we are, idiots? I can’t take this shit anymore. It’s a waste of my time. I reach into my Prada bag and pull out my Cosmopolitan magazine. I adjust my skirt that could be mistaken for a bandana and open to a page titled ‘Ways to drive your man crazy.’ This is what I read until the bell rings, releasing me from this pathetic pre-pubescent pit of morons.

As I walk out of the large doors of Pines Middle School I am blinded by the fading sun. I carefully take my Guess glasses out of their pink fury case and place them over my lifeless eyes. As I walk down the steps, I hear a desperate yell, and I roll my eyes as I immediately recognize the voice.

“Eva! Wait up!” Cries Daniel, desperately wanting me to turn around and acknowledge his existence. Shut the fuck up you snot faced nerd. Your breath smells like dead carcass and you make me want to vomit, I think as I quicken my pace. Daniel Lokus has had a crush on me since the third grade. I’ve turned him down to every single dance in the history of our schooling and he still doesn’t get the fucking hint.

“You dropped your pencil!” He said with a goofy ass grin. “I picked it up for you!” Aren’t you sweet as pie. You picked up a pencil that I don’t give a shit about. It wasn’t even mine, you pathetic loser. He just wanted to talk to me. Even a glance in his direction would suffice. But of course, I don’t give him this luxury. I keep my eyes glazed forward, continuing as if I had someplace important to be. As if I really knew where I was going.

As I lean on the bike racks, waiting for my notoriously late father, I start to feel
sad and then angry for feeling sorry for myself. So what if your father is late every single day and never has any time for you. Toughen up you baby, boo-fucking who, nobody gives a flying shit what you feel. Ricky does. But only when he wants sex. He is my 18 year old boyfriend. If you call a boyfriend someone who uses you for sex and then forgets that you even exist. He thinks I’m 15, and doesn’t know nor care enough about me to think otherwise.

Here he is. Fashionably late in his Mercedes Benz. Pulling in along the curb as if nothing was wrong. Looking all calm and collected and so fucking perfect. Like his life was perfect. I somberly walk to the car, even though I know that he won’t notice my sulking. Fuck him. I must have love for him. Somewhere deep in my heart. But I can’t feel it. I just can’t. I’m sick of getting that half agitated stare as he looks up from his precious work, as if talking to him was a fucking crime. I am third priority. Work, step mom, then good ole me. If even that.

“How was school today?” He mechanically asks without looking at me.

“Good.” I say with an equal amount of emotion.

“I’m going to need you to baby sit your sister tonight, Pricilla and I are going out.”

Pull over because I am going to puke. The sound of that name makes me physically ill.
Reminds me of Ursula, from The Little Mermaid. An evil bitch. I’ll admit, I’m jealous of her. I’m jealous that my father miraculously has time for her and not me. What does she have that I don’t have? Tits and ass is what. This does leave a perfect opportunity to see Ricky, that is, if he wants to see me. Moreover, if he wants sex. I actually don’t mind watching my sister. That’s not it at all. She’s six and pure. Innocent as can be with her Barbies and tea sets. A gentle, quiet soul. Reminds me of my mother. That is before cancer ate away at her slowly, leaving her a lifeless corpse. Nicole was only two when it happened. She doesn’t remember. Sometimes I wish I could forget.

We have arrived at my house. I don’t use the word “home” because that would give a warm, loving feeling. I race up to my room trying to avoid any more contact with my father. As I pass my sisters room, I hear a high pitched cackle, which I clearly distinguish as my step moms. My stomach turns. Die evil bitch, die! I quickly dart into my room and shut the door quietly. Just as I do I hear a knock. Fuck! She heard me. I open the door in disgust. She looks at me with this fake smile, cocking her head, blinking her tarantula eyelashes at me as if I’ve done something wrong. I want to dunk her face in acid and watch it melt.

“ You snuck by me without saying ‘hello’?” She says, giving a forced laugh. No shit. I hate you. If you can’t tell already. Your half my fathers age and you want his money. And you pretend to be nice to me. You have fake tits and you dress like a slut. That’s the short list.

“ Sorry.” I say, even though I’m not.

“ Your father and I are going out tonight. Will you be okay with your sister?” Rub it in why don’t you.

“ Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I close the door ending our conversation.

I reach into my bag and pull out my cell phone. Might as well call Rickey. I haven’t seen or talked to him in a week. Not that that is unusual or anything.

“ Hey.” I say trying not to sound excited.

“ Hey there, what’s up girl!” His voice is overly joyous. Calm the fuck down. You can’t possibly be that excited to here from me. “ My parents are gonna be out tonight. Ya wanna come over?”

“Yeah sure shuga pie!” He is either drunk or high. Sometimes its hard to tell. It’s even harder to tell when he is sober. Because he never is.

“ Alright, well come over at eight.”

“ Okay, seeeeeyyyyyaaaa.” Click. It felt like we fucking made a business deal.

We have been “dating” for a year and that’s about as extensive as our conversations get. I know he cheats on me. Why wouldn’t he? I don’t satisfy him the way a woman can. I’m a little girl to him. And I will always be inferior because of it. It pisses me off. I don’t want to be incompetent. I don’t want to be used. I want to look him in the eye and feel like I’m on the same plane, the same planet, in the same fucking universe! But I can’t. And I’m too chicken shit to break it off. I need him. Just like he needs me.

What to wear? Might as well wear nothing. Save some time. I sit down at my vanity and stare at my reflection. I look like I got ran over by a bus twice. Or maybe I just feel like I did. One of the two. I don’t know how I feel right now. Just blah. Like a bowl of soggy cheerios just floating around aimlessly, waiting to disintegrate into their milky grave. Sometimes I wish I could feel something other then hopelessness or anger. I take a deep breath and sigh keeping my eyes glued to myself in the mirror. How did I get like this? There had to have been a time when I was happy. When I looked forward to each day instead of dreading it.

“ Sister! Come here!” calls Nicole, obviously ecstatic about something.

“ Coming.” I say as I break away from the mirror that seemed to be sucking me in. I walk into her room and see her sitting in the corner busy as a bee. The sun coming in from the window reflects off her golden blonde hair and gives her an angelic halo. She looks up at me with wonder and thrill. She really is beautiful.

“ Look what I made.” She says, holding up a construction paper heart. The words ‘I love you’ are written in the middle.

“ It’s for you.” She says smiling eagerly. Her eyes are so blue they almost startle me.

“ Thanks Nicky, its very nice.” I just stand there looking at this little heart covered in glitter and sequins. I give her a little smile and notice that her little nose has a dab of glitter on it. Her little fingers also twinkle and sparkle with the remnants of her creation. How nice it must be to just be happy. Not to have any worries or frustrations. To be in your own world and not care if glitter gets on your nose. She is more free then anyone I know. I give her a kiss on the cheek. She gives a little giggle and goes back to her crafting, humming a song.

It’s 8:30 and Ricky still hasn’t shown up. Big fucking surprise. I’ll know when he arrives because his stereo will knock the picture off my wall. I take a pillow from my bed and try to rip it apart in frustration. What I really want to do is rip Ricky’s head off, but that could get messy. Why is he late? I hate him. He’s not going to show up. He probably went to some party and got smashed. He is probably staring at some girls tits as we speak. I role over helplessly and grab my phone from my night stand. Just as I do, I hear his shit car sputtering down the road. The booming from his car stereo penetrates my brain and I cover my ears to prevent it from exploding. Finally, he has arrived!

Fashionably fucking late, but none the less.

I stand frozen, as if I forgot how to open a fucking door. I’m not really sure what to expect. Will he be happy to see me? Will he be drunk? High? Probably a combination of the two. I finally find the courage to make my arms move. I open the door slowly. There he is, looking like he just woke up from a 15 year nap. His brown hair falls into his face with the weight of grease and gel. So attractive. He is wearing a white T-shirt with ripped, blue-jeans with a smirk on his face that makes me want to rip it off. He just stands there with a smile, like he didn’t know why he was here, but he was. I eye him up and down, waiting for some sort of explanation as to why he was late. Or why he never calls me. Or why he never wants me to hang out with him and his friends. Or why I’m never a fucking part of his life! But that would be asking way too much. He takes a step closer to me and immediately I catch the stale scent of beer, cigarettes and marijuana all mixed into one. It catches in the back of my throat, and I cough.

“ You don’t look so happy to see me.” He says with a lost grin on his face.

“ I didn’t expect to see you.” I say with a thick attitude.

“ Well, I’m sorry baby.” I’ve seen that look in his eye before. It’s his “sympathetic” look. Academy Award winning performance. He has used it one to many times. But there is also something in his eyes that I can’t quite distinguish. He seems oddly zoned in on me. His stare makes me a little uncomfortable but I just brush it off.

“It’s alright, come in.” Climbing up the stares, his jeans make an eerie sound as his legs brush together. He is quiet tonight. Often he rambles on about what stupid things he has done with his friends. As we walk into my room he lifts me up abruptly and throws me onto the bed. He starts laughing uncontrollably.

“Was that fun?” He says, oddly amused by this little act.

“ You scared the shit out of me.”

“ Why are you so uptight? Relax, baby.” He starts walking toward the bed with a possessed look in his eye. He starts to laugh and all of a sudden morphs into some sort of creature and jumps on my bed howling like a wolf.

“ Shut the fuck up! Nicole is sleeping!” He grabs my hand and kisses it romantically as if he were some old time movie actor. “ I’m so sorry. What can I ever do to repay you?” He says, unable to control his laughter. His laughter subsides for a moment as my sisters glitter creation, on my night-stand, catches his eye. He scurries over to investigate. I snatch it away from him, as if him holding it would make it vaporize into thin air.

“ My sister made it for me.” I say proudly. I looked at it, as if analyzing it for the first time. I thought about her little hands outlining ‘I love you’ in glue and then her little fingers sprinkling the glitter over the letters. I love you. She really does love me. And I
love her. I feel an overwhelming feeling of warmth and happiness surge through my entire body. I’m worth something to Nicole. What am I doing fucking around with this asshole who doesn’t give a shit about me. I’ve been trying so hard to be a part of Rickey’s life that I’m forgetting that I need to be in Nicole’s. I want her to have an older sister she can look up to and want to strive to be like. I have been so blind to what is important in life. She is my baby sister, my family. I am a mother to her, the only one she has ever really had! How selfish of me to be so consumed with myself and Rickey! I take a deep breath and look at Rickey. I am about to do something I never thought I would have the courage to do.

“ Rickey, I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“ What?” His mindless giggles come to a halt.

“ You have treated me like shit ever since the first day I met you.You don’t care about me and you never will. Our relationship will never get anywhere.” Silence. His eyes narrow in on me. I wish he would say something, but he just stares at me. His eyes are bloodshot and his lids are heavy. His breathing becomes heavier and I notice an anger generating inside of him. I try to take his hand as a friendly gesture but he violently rejects me. Instead, he throws himself on top of me, grabbing my arms and pinning them down, leaving me helpless. I scream at the top of my lungs, kicking with all my might, but he is too strong.

“ You fucking bitch! Your right! You are worth nothing to me. And that’s exactly how I’m going to treat you!” his breath is thick with the smell of liquor. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as he tries to rip my clothes off my body.

“ Stop it! Please!!!!” I scream hysterically. He smacks me across the face and the sting takes my breath away. My wrists have become numb from his grasp. The weight of his body has made it difficult to breath. I can’t believe what is happening to me. How could this happen?

What seemed to be an eternity really was only five minutes. He stuck his pain and his rage inside of me and ran off. At first I can’t move because if the pain and shock. As soon as I muster up the courage and strength to get up, I go to my dresser to find another pair of pants to wear. I can’t touch the other ones. Streams of tears are being pumped out of my body as if to flush away his dirty touch. This is something you hear about on Oprah. This can’t be happening to me. I hear frantic footsteps coming up the stairs and I hide behind my bed in the fetal position, petrified that Rickey has come back.

“ Eva!!! Eva! Are you all right??” Its my dad. I never thought I would be so happy to hear his voice. He opens the door to find me sobbing crouched in a little ball on the floor.

“ Eva! Your sister called us! She heard you screaming! Is everything alright?!” I run to him, letting out a wail of grief and happiness.

“ Daddy, I love you.” That’s all I can say as I throw my arms around him. He strokes my hair and rubs my back. Nicole comes in along with Pricilla, her face puffy from crying.

“ Did he hurt you?” Nicole’s eyes are welling up with tears. My heart breaks at that very instant as I look into her frightened eyes. I look at my Dad and he can see the answer in my face. He pulls me in and holds me tight as if he wished he could erase my pain. This is the first time we have embraced since mother died. Nicole begins to cry huge, crocodile-tears and runs to give me a hug.

“ I’m so sorry, honey. I’m sorry for everything. It’s going to be okay, though. I love you.” He says, his voice choking up with both pain and guilt. I’ve never felt such anguish and happiness in one single moment. My Dad, sister, and I all holding each other with such passion for one another. We are a family. Whatever happens, I know they will be there for me. I see everything so wonderfully now. It took me twelve years to realize how fortunate I really am. I see myself as a caged bird, which has just been set free, overjoyed with the possibilities that await me. My life has just begun.